Releasing the Role of Victim
I recently had a client come in who was going through a very difficult break up in her life. She immediately started recounting every difficult moment, every hurtful word, every disappointment and injury. The minute she started talking I knew that she was stuck as the victim in her story. As a result she was very anxious, unable to focus and reaching out to anybody she knew and telling them her story of the break up and the wrongs done to her. What she was looking for was relief and a sense of validation from others that yes, she was the victim of her ex’s bad behavior. What she got instead was feeling trapped in her story, needing more and more affirmations from a wider circle of acquaintances.
When she took a breath and was ready to dive deeper into her story, I asked her to close her eyes for a moment and take a couple of deep breaths. After she paused and opened her eyes I said to her “You need to stop being the victim and giving all of your power away” She looked at me, lowered her head and then said “I know I feel like the victim. I know it doesn’t make me feel good, but in the moment of telling others about what was done to me, I feel like I have some control over the situation and how people perceive me.”
This is a pattern I see almost daily. When we see ourselves as the victim, it is an attempt to regain control over a person or situation. We over-analyze and obsess all in an effort to make sense of and regain some measure of power in a helpless situation. We think that the only way we can feel better about the situation is to continue talking about the situation. Yet the more we talk about it, the more we are trying to control and the more we are trying to control it the more we re-victimize ourselves.
Talking about our victim story only makes us feel more powerless, creates drama and keeps us anxious and unsettled. That is how my client was feeling as she was telling her story once again. I ended up teaching her two powerful techniques to shift out of victim mode.
When you find yourself feeling like a victim and compelled to tell your story again, try taking these two steps instead. They will help you let go of the painful story and shift you into a calmer, more empowered place instead.
Step 1: Why am I telling this story
When you hear yourself telling your victim story again, pause and take a deep breath. Then ask yourself “What am I telling this story for again?” Take a moment to think about what you are trying to gain by talking about it again. Notice the pattern and the fear behind it. Once you have identified why you are telling the story again, you have the power to shift it. By becoming conscious of the fear and pain you can become aware that the retelling of the story actually keeps you trapped in the painful story.
Step 2: Change the current
When you start going into negative stories, you create a strong current and you end up drawing similar thoughts in. Pretty soon you have created a strong momentum and more fear starts rushing in and you end up feeling completely out of control over your thoughts. The minute you say “Stop” you can then bring in more positive thoughts to replace the negative thoughts. The best way to do this is to start with more general statements. For example, “I have loving support all around me”, “I am good enough” or “I have made it through bad times before and I will again”. Once you have said some generally positive statements, more of the same will start rushing in. Pretty soon the tide will have turned and the negative thoughts are being replaced by a strong current of positivity. This will end up making you feel energized, powerful and supported.
By following these two steps you can release the story of victim and regain your balance and power. You will raise your vibration in the process and attract more positivity. The stories we write is the life we live. In any moment we have the choice to write a more empowered story for ourselves. By focusing on what is going well in our life and all the ways we are supported, we awaken within us a deeper presence and we create an infinitely better feeling reality.
My hope is that the next time you find yourself telling your victim story that you take these two steps so you may release the role of victim and reclaim the happiness that is your birthright.