3 Tips to Bust Through Fear
Do you ever wonder what makes some people really successful, adventurous, outgoing, self-confident? And what makes others feel small, weak, stuck, fearful and unable to change their circumstance?
I got a first hand look at it these past couple of weeks. With my increased calls into Breakthrough sessions, I had an opportunity to talk to women from places like England, Germany, Mississippi, and Green Bay, Wisconsin. Sometimes I pinch myself that my work involves the honor and privilege to bear witness to other women’s pain and triumphs.
What every woman was working through to varying degrees in talking with me was what Bob Proctor calls the Terror Barrier. What is the Terror Barrier and why do we keep bumping our heads against it?
If you’ve followed me enough, you will have heard me talk about authentic self and conditioned parts of our personality. The authentic part is the person you were born to be. Creative, joyful, unique, purposeful. The conditioned part of you is the part that was created to keep the vulnerable, tender and loving authentic self safe. Through trauma, discipline, societal expectations, disappoints and many more subtle ways the conditioned self was created. As adult women the vast majority of us show up in our conditioned self.
Our conditioned self might tell us things like:
You’re not gonna be able to support yourself
That promotion isn’t for you
That move to a new city is way too risky
You’re too old…
You’re too busy…
There isn’t enough money to…
The job of the conditioned self is to keep you safe. How is it keeping you safe by stifling you? Or by keeping you playing small? Or by keeping you imprisoned in your own limited landscape? Because it likes the status quo. It’s safe there. Predictable. Comfortable. It’s a paradigm that is well known to the conditioned self.
Our authentic self on the other hand is always forward moving, expanding and creating. The dichotomy between the two is what causes us the pain. If the pain gets uncomfortable enough, we reach out for support to heal from our traumas, or with difficult decisions.
The closer we get to switching things up, to get help, to direct ourselves in a new direction, the more the conditioned self will raise the warning level. In effect we start bumping up against that terror barrier. Fears start popping up, excuses that seem completely rational start creeping in. We start getting extremely uncomfortable.
That is the point that will stop most women from ever making the changes necessary to drastically improve their life. The pain of change, the fear of the unknown, the excuses that seem so logical…that's what keeps us feeling stuck.
I want to share with you the three insights that it takes to bust through the terror barrier and get to the other side where the magic of an authentic life is waiting for you:
Recognize that the only thing that is keeping you from the life that you really want to live is you. It isn’t money, family, jobs or other external limits. It is always your own limiting and false beliefs. The good news is, that those beliefs were created by you and they can be transformed by you.
You have to be willing to be uncomfortable. Change and growth is uncomfortable. It’s part of the nature of the universe. How many times does a child try to walk, fall and then get up again. If the child stopped trying, it would never walk. Change happens when you push beyond your limits. When you can learn to be uncomfortable in an effort to get to a better place.
You need support from another visionary. Few of us can navigate the terror barrier on our own. It’s a scary place. It’s uncomfortable. You need guidance and gentle pushes from others on the same journey. Because so much of the adult world is in the grip of the conditioned self, most of your family and friends are not going to be supportive of your desire for change. They will tell you all the reasons you will fail, they may not support your dreams, they may be invested in you keeping the status quo. Find a mentor or friend that can hold that bigger vision for you. Someone to pick you up when you fall and encourage you to dust off and try again.
So, what are your desires and dreams? All you need to do is take one step in that direction. Then another. Then another. When fear comes up (and it will!) Look at it. Grab it by the hand. Bust through that wall.
“If you don’t get the chills when you set your goal you’re not setting big enough goals.”